Sean Badgley's pledge to you: Whatever I write & whenever I write; it is with the explicit purpose of entertaining you, the reader, with an emotionally evocative and high quality product.~S
I'm starting a gang.
So, after extensive research and trying to get close to the essence of the council of Good, I have uncovered a disturbing fact. Before I just simply lay the proverbial (and in one unfortunate instance literal) turd in the punch bowl, let me try to elucidate my point via a popular science fiction narrative.
In Star Wars, what is the one key organizational difference between the Empire and the Rebels?
I pose this question; b/c it cuts to the heart of what I believe is the ultimate answer to the morality puzzle. The puzzle in my mind is why are those who are on my evil council on average more reliable than those on my council of Good? It seems like reliability should be critical for one's morality. However, I just didn't see this in practice. In fact, I can think of two reliable members of the Council of Good, where as over eighty-five percent of the evil council is made of dependable people. There was a time when I felt that I simply was favoring those I saw as righteous and trustworthy. Then I came to realize a fact best summed up by one of my righteous counselors. Mike said that 'you can only trust someone like you know them' meaning if you know your friend is generally very worthy of trust, but even more passionate about pastries, then you don't leave a fool next to your cake.
Back to the question at hand.
How is the galactic empire fundamentally different from the rebel alliance? The answer is self-evident: scale. The Galactic Empire is clearly a better-funded and larger organization than the rebels. This is very strange. By the by, I can feel in my bones the loyal reader's natural question. He or she asks themselves, "why is this guy so preoccupied with Star Wars?" Is it because he still plays with the action figures, watches the movies regularly, or simply wishes he were as bad ass as Hon Solo, but as paid as Lando? Yes. However, that is not why I focus on the Star Wars films as the looking glass to my moral dilemma. If I were simply out for a fantastic fictional work about morality, I'd reference the Bible. The reason I am focusing on Star Wars is due to the fact that George Lucas read a book called The Hero with a Thousand Faces, by Joseph Campbell. See, Campbell argues that all great stories are great because of a flawless relationship with the archetypes buried deep within our collective psyche
.....sigh, an archetype is essentially a character or model that permeates the mind and heart of mankind to such a degree that it transcends cultural differences. One good example is the dream that you are flying, every culture around the globe reports of such dreams, regardless of their geographic location or point in history. So the reason I think Star Wars is important is because it is saying something fundamentally essential about morality and the interaction between good and evil.
Now, I come to the point. In Star Wars, the Empire is a well-organized and ruthless machine, because this is the essence of those without the impractical limits on their morality. The Council of Evil is reliable because they know there is something in it for them. Whether it's immediate or down the road, they know they'll get theirs. The Council of Good is a non-profit enterprise, and it runs as such. The employees are consistently late, they lack accountability, and are generally unmotivated. At the same time, I've been looking for my place in the grand scheme of the Good Council.
The Rebels had an 'Alliance', so I am getting on the streets with this and taking it one step further. I'm starting a gang. We're gonna be hard, and we're gonna ally up against the harmful forces in the world. Also, I'm letting in a few members of the Evil Council, because someone's gotta TCB (take care of business...Jesus watch some episodes of Gangland). Anywho, if you're interested, shoot an email with what position you want and think you can handle within the gang. We're gonna do right by the righteous, do wrong by the wrong bunch, and get paid.
Only qualified applicants need apply, this is not an entry level position.
Send Resumes to SeanBadgley@yahoo.com and thanks for reading
Monday, May 4, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
See: where I come from, you gotta be about it
Sean Badgley's pledge to you: Whatever I write & whenever I write; it is with the explicit purpose of entertaining you, the reader, with an emotionally evocative and high quality product.~S
It's been a long while since we've last mind linked. It's been a while since I entertained you enough to lower your shields and laugh, therefore identifying with my struggle. Worry not...I missed it to. So why did it take so long? Why did I leave you all in a moral malaise, unable to relate or consult an authority on your ethical ambiguity. Well, I was finishing my book. But also, I've been looking into it. (For better comprehension of the following discussion, please review Wheezy's classic from the Carter II, Talkin' About it) See I think that most people are really just talkin' bout it. That is to say, they all conform to whatever morality choice they make, but ultimately they don't live their choice. I wanted to be a more moral person...but in a way that really rare. In other words, I don't just wanna be talkin' 'bout being righteous...
I wanted to get on the streets with it.
So, I feel like I've been fighting and battling and loosing ever since. It's like evil's all down for the grind, but once a guy decides upon a new path it's nothing but war. Is this how the rebels felt? I always felt that the empire treated the Rebel Alliance as if they were a minor and greatly underestimated inconvenience. Now I see that the Galactic Empire was out for blood, and the rebels simply had a better HR department...Where's the real life equivalent? Where's the benefit? I think the reason I didn't do a lot of good is b/c I don't tend to feel that warm tingly feeling I've heard described so many times.
So am I on the streets with it?
I dunno. I've made my peace with certain ne’er-do-wells on both sides of the equation. I've learned that if you think you owe someone an inch, then they become your ruler. Also, apparently engaging in occasional and infrequent nudity is not a crime, no matter how dedicated the prosecutor. These above items sound vague and they're meant to, take their general meaning and apply them to your own life. I'm not here to educate, just to try to do right even though I don't care much for it and also to ramble about said doing right. Maybe that solution or status update lacks sophistication, but then again, I'm not really tryin to talk 'bout it.
It's been a long while since we've last mind linked. It's been a while since I entertained you enough to lower your shields and laugh, therefore identifying with my struggle. Worry not...I missed it to. So why did it take so long? Why did I leave you all in a moral malaise, unable to relate or consult an authority on your ethical ambiguity. Well, I was finishing my book. But also, I've been looking into it. (For better comprehension of the following discussion, please review Wheezy's classic from the Carter II, Talkin' About it) See I think that most people are really just talkin' bout it. That is to say, they all conform to whatever morality choice they make, but ultimately they don't live their choice. I wanted to be a more moral person...but in a way that really rare. In other words, I don't just wanna be talkin' 'bout being righteous...
I wanted to get on the streets with it.
So, I feel like I've been fighting and battling and loosing ever since. It's like evil's all down for the grind, but once a guy decides upon a new path it's nothing but war. Is this how the rebels felt? I always felt that the empire treated the Rebel Alliance as if they were a minor and greatly underestimated inconvenience. Now I see that the Galactic Empire was out for blood, and the rebels simply had a better HR department...Where's the real life equivalent? Where's the benefit? I think the reason I didn't do a lot of good is b/c I don't tend to feel that warm tingly feeling I've heard described so many times.
So am I on the streets with it?
I dunno. I've made my peace with certain ne’er-do-wells on both sides of the equation. I've learned that if you think you owe someone an inch, then they become your ruler. Also, apparently engaging in occasional and infrequent nudity is not a crime, no matter how dedicated the prosecutor. These above items sound vague and they're meant to, take their general meaning and apply them to your own life. I'm not here to educate, just to try to do right even though I don't care much for it and also to ramble about said doing right. Maybe that solution or status update lacks sophistication, but then again, I'm not really tryin to talk 'bout it.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Your mama is the one paying me
Sean Badgley's pledge to you: Whatever I write & whenever I write; it is with the explicit purpose of entertaining you, the reader, with an emotionally evocative and high quality product.~S
I finally have figured out how to defeat the virus lurking within my computer, so at long last I can again broadcast my meaningless and unsolicited opinions over the figurative airwaves of the internet. I, of course, am merely kidding about my opinions being meaningless...I am pretty sure there isn't anything out there more compelling or entertaining...at least nothing I've yet read. There is so much meaningless bullshit out there, so many blogs and so much information without purpose or direction. One minute your out to accomplish some arbitrary goal the next your confessing about how you couldn't make it happen...come on now, I could be reading a book, if you're gonna fuck up at least make me laugh or feel something.
Am I still not being evil? Of course. I committed. One of my favorite songs is Gone Til November, by my favorite artist, Wyclef Jean. The song is a love letter to his soul mate about him going away for a long time, and that is exactly how I feel. I am no longer hung up on the title or the image of righteousness that at first I found so alluring. You see, those I labeled as 'good' and those I labeled as 'evil' are not as easily catagorized as it would at first seem. My bestest of friends, Jenny, is a definitive member of the council of evil. If Nick ever perishes, and for his short stint behind bars, she in fact took on the interim chairmanship and profitability increased eight percent! (which came as a surprise, b/c I was unaware that I was selling anything)
Why is J on the Council of E? Because she is pragmatic, unapologetic, and incredibly decisive. I could write a book about Jennifer, however, to keep it short, Jenny has decided to do her, she does her at every moment, and she looks good doing it. She's like Nicholas Cage's character in face/off (before the face comes off) she's a super villain of the highest order who takes lots of plunder, makes few mistakes and offers no apologies. Plus, I once saw Jenny drop a fool that'd been foolish enough to turn state's evidence. Also, she once advised a disturbed roommate that suicide might just be right for some people. She routinely helps me plot and perfect plans ranging from robbery to lust, has defrauded the Governments of both the United States and Russia (long after the Cold War ended) and occasionally beds virgins to keep it real (but then again who doesn't). That being said (with the utmost respect) I trust her more than your mama. Why?
Because Jenny is out to get paid and your mama is the one paying me.
You dig? I'll assume not. The above is not simply a smart ass comment about your mom's lust for my rare combination of experienced touch and willing smile. Your mom pays me, so I can never trust her, but Jenny's out to get paid and still offers me advice, returns all my calls, and has been there for every major jam I've ever been in.
So what's all this rambling got to do with the Council of Good or Evil? Well, you see, many 'good' people aren't simply good, they are like you, me and the rest of the sinners. They are out to get theres in there own way, only they get their jollies from martyrdom and other forms of self sacrifice. Sooooo, if these people are just out for their own jollies, doesn't that make them nearly as corrupt as those out to make that paper? Absolutely. However they do good and so many others choose to do wrong, so we turn a blind eye to their compulsion. However, I think I'd rather get a nickel from a man out to make a dollar than get a dollar from a man out to give away a fortune.
Point, counter-point. I had a close friend. He made it on to my good council without a proper screening process. He seemed a decent dude, but then something strange happened. Every time said person was in a leadership position, I was left in a bad situation. I cannot go into the details of this, because I believe in praising public and punishing private, but I was astounded by the trend and it still bothers me to some degree.
Why are many of the good people so unreliable?
I still don't know, but I do know one important fact. I read it in Machiavelli's masterpiece The Prince. "Most men judge by the eye, not by the hand". It means that the only way you can know what someone's made of is to take the time and risk to reach out and touch them. It also means most people won't make the effort and it also means that if you're the one doing the touching then you might get hurt. For my part, I've touched plenty of evil and found something redeeming every time. Parenthetically, every time I lay hands on some good, I am typically disappointed.
So am I giving up?
Fuck no. I gave my name and my word to this fucking rebellion and just because I don't like the way it's being run or that some of the members of the alliance are bullshit doesn't mean it's time to quit. Most of the raiding party that attacked the Death Star didn't come back alive, but that doesn't matter...we've got an empire to defeat.
I finally have figured out how to defeat the virus lurking within my computer, so at long last I can again broadcast my meaningless and unsolicited opinions over the figurative airwaves of the internet. I, of course, am merely kidding about my opinions being meaningless...I am pretty sure there isn't anything out there more compelling or entertaining...at least nothing I've yet read. There is so much meaningless bullshit out there, so many blogs and so much information without purpose or direction. One minute your out to accomplish some arbitrary goal the next your confessing about how you couldn't make it happen...come on now, I could be reading a book, if you're gonna fuck up at least make me laugh or feel something.
Am I still not being evil? Of course. I committed. One of my favorite songs is Gone Til November, by my favorite artist, Wyclef Jean. The song is a love letter to his soul mate about him going away for a long time, and that is exactly how I feel. I am no longer hung up on the title or the image of righteousness that at first I found so alluring. You see, those I labeled as 'good' and those I labeled as 'evil' are not as easily catagorized as it would at first seem. My bestest of friends, Jenny, is a definitive member of the council of evil. If Nick ever perishes, and for his short stint behind bars, she in fact took on the interim chairmanship and profitability increased eight percent! (which came as a surprise, b/c I was unaware that I was selling anything)
Why is J on the Council of E? Because she is pragmatic, unapologetic, and incredibly decisive. I could write a book about Jennifer, however, to keep it short, Jenny has decided to do her, she does her at every moment, and she looks good doing it. She's like Nicholas Cage's character in face/off (before the face comes off) she's a super villain of the highest order who takes lots of plunder, makes few mistakes and offers no apologies. Plus, I once saw Jenny drop a fool that'd been foolish enough to turn state's evidence. Also, she once advised a disturbed roommate that suicide might just be right for some people. She routinely helps me plot and perfect plans ranging from robbery to lust, has defrauded the Governments of both the United States and Russia (long after the Cold War ended) and occasionally beds virgins to keep it real (but then again who doesn't). That being said (with the utmost respect) I trust her more than your mama. Why?
Because Jenny is out to get paid and your mama is the one paying me.
You dig? I'll assume not. The above is not simply a smart ass comment about your mom's lust for my rare combination of experienced touch and willing smile. Your mom pays me, so I can never trust her, but Jenny's out to get paid and still offers me advice, returns all my calls, and has been there for every major jam I've ever been in.
So what's all this rambling got to do with the Council of Good or Evil? Well, you see, many 'good' people aren't simply good, they are like you, me and the rest of the sinners. They are out to get theres in there own way, only they get their jollies from martyrdom and other forms of self sacrifice. Sooooo, if these people are just out for their own jollies, doesn't that make them nearly as corrupt as those out to make that paper? Absolutely. However they do good and so many others choose to do wrong, so we turn a blind eye to their compulsion. However, I think I'd rather get a nickel from a man out to make a dollar than get a dollar from a man out to give away a fortune.
Point, counter-point. I had a close friend. He made it on to my good council without a proper screening process. He seemed a decent dude, but then something strange happened. Every time said person was in a leadership position, I was left in a bad situation. I cannot go into the details of this, because I believe in praising public and punishing private, but I was astounded by the trend and it still bothers me to some degree.
Why are many of the good people so unreliable?
I still don't know, but I do know one important fact. I read it in Machiavelli's masterpiece The Prince. "Most men judge by the eye, not by the hand". It means that the only way you can know what someone's made of is to take the time and risk to reach out and touch them. It also means most people won't make the effort and it also means that if you're the one doing the touching then you might get hurt. For my part, I've touched plenty of evil and found something redeeming every time. Parenthetically, every time I lay hands on some good, I am typically disappointed.
So am I giving up?
Fuck no. I gave my name and my word to this fucking rebellion and just because I don't like the way it's being run or that some of the members of the alliance are bullshit doesn't mean it's time to quit. Most of the raiding party that attacked the Death Star didn't come back alive, but that doesn't matter...we've got an empire to defeat.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Do you think this is a game?
Sean Badgley's pledge to you: Whatever I write & whenever I write; it is with the explicit purpose of entertaining you, the reader, with an emotionally evocative and high quality product.
~S
I have begun to realize a simple yet profound truth about morality: A man's gotta pick his own path. You know, when it comes down to it, there is no right or wrong way to join a rebellion. To those just tuning in (welcome) I consider morality akin to the rebel alliance in star wars. This life is just a constant test of which side you belong on, and for many of us the answer is different each time. That being said, I think that there are those who choose to consistently rebel over their self interest when it does not jive with their beliefs on ethics and morality. These people are in a minority, but then so are saints amongst the damned (that sentence brought to you by my Catholic upbringing). Anyway, I figure there's no right or wrong way to join up with a rebel force. Each just brings to the table what they got and they all go at it with evil. I am never gonna be the guy who allows someone walk on me, it's not me, and I think that submissiveness and morality are not related, they simply tend to overlap in many places. The Chairman of the Council of Good disagrees, and I respect him for it.
I could be wrong.
Anyway, here's my latest strategy, instead of asking how not to do wrong, I spend my day trying to figure out how to do right. I'm damn sure not perfect nor close, but I never had a problem getting off my ass and do some work when the time comes. So I try to help friends whenever I can with whatever skill I possess that they may need. I am somewhat less risk averse than most, so now I stand up for what I think is right, even when I put myself in a theoretically dangerous position. I furthermore do this when I stand to gain nearly nothing for it. Am I being conned or helping someone? My gut feels good about it.
This morality is proving a hard test in many vital areas of my life, but I feel a heat within me again that I have grown to miss. I attribute that feeling in part to be a result of this project. Suddenly my sense of purpose and determination are again with me in my heart. Some may compare this to a religious awakening but I see it as a lifestyle change.
Basically, my evil is turning gay.
Just kidding. But in seriousness, I was recently named the Godfather my close friend's only child and first born son. I ask myself, as this child's godfather (incidentally, we don't have an obsession with pop culture, we're both Irish Catholic to one extent or another. A Godfather means something important to a child coming up in the world) A Godfather is a man you trust enough to bestow a title of trust upon one person dependable enough for the task. I am proud to be young Liam's Godfather. I tell you this, when he's 14 I'll be thirty eight and when he sees me then as when he sees me now, I will be a figure of understanding, support, and an unquestioned alliance during hard times for the duration of my life.
This is no game.
One of my relations lacks a father figure. Though he is surrounded by seven very well intentioned females, he has no way of understanding the world of men. I have not lead the most righteous path, but I am trying now and I have some idea about what it is to be a man. He is at an age where the presence of a strong male role model could drastically affect the course of his life and his short term difficulties. I can do that for him.
This is no game.
So understand, that while I may not be the favorite action figure in the chest. Do I claim to be Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker or even Hon Solo? No...those guys were bad ass. But I am at least Lando. Sure there are things in my past that I regret, but I'm doing my best now to help out the rebellion and hey I've got cloud city, which is a base you rebels desperately need for this war. Anyway, more tales from behind enemy lines later, haters.
~S
I have begun to realize a simple yet profound truth about morality: A man's gotta pick his own path. You know, when it comes down to it, there is no right or wrong way to join a rebellion. To those just tuning in (welcome) I consider morality akin to the rebel alliance in star wars. This life is just a constant test of which side you belong on, and for many of us the answer is different each time. That being said, I think that there are those who choose to consistently rebel over their self interest when it does not jive with their beliefs on ethics and morality. These people are in a minority, but then so are saints amongst the damned (that sentence brought to you by my Catholic upbringing). Anyway, I figure there's no right or wrong way to join up with a rebel force. Each just brings to the table what they got and they all go at it with evil. I am never gonna be the guy who allows someone walk on me, it's not me, and I think that submissiveness and morality are not related, they simply tend to overlap in many places. The Chairman of the Council of Good disagrees, and I respect him for it.
I could be wrong.
Anyway, here's my latest strategy, instead of asking how not to do wrong, I spend my day trying to figure out how to do right. I'm damn sure not perfect nor close, but I never had a problem getting off my ass and do some work when the time comes. So I try to help friends whenever I can with whatever skill I possess that they may need. I am somewhat less risk averse than most, so now I stand up for what I think is right, even when I put myself in a theoretically dangerous position. I furthermore do this when I stand to gain nearly nothing for it. Am I being conned or helping someone? My gut feels good about it.
This morality is proving a hard test in many vital areas of my life, but I feel a heat within me again that I have grown to miss. I attribute that feeling in part to be a result of this project. Suddenly my sense of purpose and determination are again with me in my heart. Some may compare this to a religious awakening but I see it as a lifestyle change.
Basically, my evil is turning gay.
Just kidding. But in seriousness, I was recently named the Godfather my close friend's only child and first born son. I ask myself, as this child's godfather (incidentally, we don't have an obsession with pop culture, we're both Irish Catholic to one extent or another. A Godfather means something important to a child coming up in the world) A Godfather is a man you trust enough to bestow a title of trust upon one person dependable enough for the task. I am proud to be young Liam's Godfather. I tell you this, when he's 14 I'll be thirty eight and when he sees me then as when he sees me now, I will be a figure of understanding, support, and an unquestioned alliance during hard times for the duration of my life.
This is no game.
One of my relations lacks a father figure. Though he is surrounded by seven very well intentioned females, he has no way of understanding the world of men. I have not lead the most righteous path, but I am trying now and I have some idea about what it is to be a man. He is at an age where the presence of a strong male role model could drastically affect the course of his life and his short term difficulties. I can do that for him.
This is no game.
So understand, that while I may not be the favorite action figure in the chest. Do I claim to be Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker or even Hon Solo? No...those guys were bad ass. But I am at least Lando. Sure there are things in my past that I regret, but I'm doing my best now to help out the rebellion and hey I've got cloud city, which is a base you rebels desperately need for this war. Anyway, more tales from behind enemy lines later, haters.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
What must it be like? (Fuck you Luke Skywalker)
Sean Badgley's pledge to you: Whatever I write, whenever I write, it is with the explicit purpose of entertaining you, the reader.
Thanks
~S
Day three isn't going half as well as day two and rest assured day one sucked a nut. I feel totally lost on this whole 'no evil' thing. It's not that I love doing bad things to people, it's just that when I find myself in a certain situation where someone is trying to act in their own self interest, I react based on countering their own intentions with furthering my own, thus to avoid being completely taken advantage of.
My not nude friend said that if he failed, he'd admit it immediately on his blog, thus I guess I am obligated. Fortuneately, his journey is definite while mine is realitive. If his tesitcales are seen, then it's basically game over, but for me, I can likely confess my failings publicly and perhaps still succeed getting on someone's coucil of Good.
3 situations that today alone challenge my machiviellian instincts and make me question what I am doing.
Today on my drive to work, someone tried to dart in front of me from a side street. Only thing was that today it was extremely icey. This fool did not have the right of way and was probably used to being a total asshole on the road. The type I usually cut off, flip off and then scream 'fuck off!' The kind of asshole that I love reminding what's up. The sort of gentleman that I love stepping on because he loves stepping on others. This guy meant to cut right in front of me (in a school zone) Unfortunately, he hit the gas hard, and his late 1980's buick's tires just spun and spun on the ice. He continued, incidentally, to hit the gas even as I was right in front of him. I saw his wheels spinning and went in front of him, then when I was right in front of him (his tires still hopelessly spinning, keep in mind) I slowed my car down, made eye contact with him, and started laughing at his foolishness.
I saw his rage and shame instantly.
I felt light hearted...then thought, wait: that had to be not Good. What must it be like to feel bad about something like that?
Later, a friend's girlfirend wanted a favor. Here's the thing. She uses EVERYONE. Also, I slept with her. Also, she is constantly disrespectful despite my best efforts to bridge the gap and reach a non awkward accord. Here's another thing, I owe her nothing. And here's yet another thing, I recently needed a favor from her, and she not only refused but did so in the rudest fashion possible.
Here's another thing
She told me she loved me once. I am a passionate person, and Love is absolutely and unquestionably sacred to me. I confess openly that she invaded my head and heart and ransacked all she could find before leaving when it was most convieninant for her. Do I hate her? No.
But am I trying to do shit for the ho?
So here's the rub. She needs a favor I could easily do. But on the other hand, everything I just wrote. What should I have done?
I reacted like I thought most my Good Council would and simply didn't respond to her request. Effective as it was cowardly. Is this the moral and rightous dignity I was looking for? I made the choice not to help instantly.
What must it be like to really consider doing such a person the favor?
Later, I try to talk an old woman into a loan she probably doesn't need. It's my job and I hate it.
Morality=Consistancy? I'm starting to doubt it.
My clothed friend is too behind on his blogging to be happy. I haven't spoken to him in a while cuz I'm pissed at him, maybe when he finally reads my work he'll find out. Clearly confrontation isn't akin to morality, and if I can't tell some people off to satisfy my pride then I damn sure not gonna let him know he's fucking up. What must it be like to hit such a dead end? I wish I were struggling for material, but instead I'm only struggling.
Fuck you Luke Skywalker
Thanks
~S
Day three isn't going half as well as day two and rest assured day one sucked a nut. I feel totally lost on this whole 'no evil' thing. It's not that I love doing bad things to people, it's just that when I find myself in a certain situation where someone is trying to act in their own self interest, I react based on countering their own intentions with furthering my own, thus to avoid being completely taken advantage of.
My not nude friend said that if he failed, he'd admit it immediately on his blog, thus I guess I am obligated. Fortuneately, his journey is definite while mine is realitive. If his tesitcales are seen, then it's basically game over, but for me, I can likely confess my failings publicly and perhaps still succeed getting on someone's coucil of Good.
3 situations that today alone challenge my machiviellian instincts and make me question what I am doing.
Today on my drive to work, someone tried to dart in front of me from a side street. Only thing was that today it was extremely icey. This fool did not have the right of way and was probably used to being a total asshole on the road. The type I usually cut off, flip off and then scream 'fuck off!' The kind of asshole that I love reminding what's up. The sort of gentleman that I love stepping on because he loves stepping on others. This guy meant to cut right in front of me (in a school zone) Unfortunately, he hit the gas hard, and his late 1980's buick's tires just spun and spun on the ice. He continued, incidentally, to hit the gas even as I was right in front of him. I saw his wheels spinning and went in front of him, then when I was right in front of him (his tires still hopelessly spinning, keep in mind) I slowed my car down, made eye contact with him, and started laughing at his foolishness.
I saw his rage and shame instantly.
I felt light hearted...then thought, wait: that had to be not Good. What must it be like to feel bad about something like that?
Later, a friend's girlfirend wanted a favor. Here's the thing. She uses EVERYONE. Also, I slept with her. Also, she is constantly disrespectful despite my best efforts to bridge the gap and reach a non awkward accord. Here's another thing, I owe her nothing. And here's yet another thing, I recently needed a favor from her, and she not only refused but did so in the rudest fashion possible.
Here's another thing
She told me she loved me once. I am a passionate person, and Love is absolutely and unquestionably sacred to me. I confess openly that she invaded my head and heart and ransacked all she could find before leaving when it was most convieninant for her. Do I hate her? No.
But am I trying to do shit for the ho?
So here's the rub. She needs a favor I could easily do. But on the other hand, everything I just wrote. What should I have done?
I reacted like I thought most my Good Council would and simply didn't respond to her request. Effective as it was cowardly. Is this the moral and rightous dignity I was looking for? I made the choice not to help instantly.
What must it be like to really consider doing such a person the favor?
Later, I try to talk an old woman into a loan she probably doesn't need. It's my job and I hate it.
Morality=Consistancy? I'm starting to doubt it.
My clothed friend is too behind on his blogging to be happy. I haven't spoken to him in a while cuz I'm pissed at him, maybe when he finally reads my work he'll find out. Clearly confrontation isn't akin to morality, and if I can't tell some people off to satisfy my pride then I damn sure not gonna let him know he's fucking up. What must it be like to hit such a dead end? I wish I were struggling for material, but instead I'm only struggling.
Fuck you Luke Skywalker
Sunday, January 25, 2009
J 25, It's on
I wipe the last bit of vomit off of my lips, and hack the remnants of my cheese fries into Thomas' toilet. A flawless puke, not even a dab of digested Guacamole on the rim...I guess I am getting good at this. Happy Birthday to me, I think as I rinse my mouth out and rejoin Thomas in his kitchen.
"Let's do another shot."
"Dude," Thomas vainly protests, "Naw, man, naw."
"I just hurled and I'm hungry for some booze."
He's starting to think I have a problem. I am starting to think that the Roman's had it right, because those cheese fries were delicious and now I can drink more. I pour two shots for us, and we sit on the kitchen floor. I glance at my watch, it's 3:29 in the am...fuck I guess it's on.
"To super heroism." I meant the words to come out big and robust and triumphant, but they fall from my lips with a sort of melancholy that reveals my fear. I've been doing the wrong thing for so long, and feeling pretty good with it. Now I am going to have to abandon my way of being for what I suppose is a more worthy cause.
Thomas and I clink and tip. The liquor tastes good as it slowly sears it's way down my throat. Thomas is on my council of Good, and his advice, tolerance, and patience with my antics have provided me a model for living. I try to take on what I think are the best qualities of those around me, good or evil, but I'd be lucky to get an ounce of Thomas. Of course, I don't mean that in a homosexual way, however, if I did it'd still be true.
"A gay guy totally tried to pick me up when we were at Blondies," I confess.
"For real?"
"Yeah."
"How'd it go?"
"He seemed nice, but a little too pushy."
It's a true story and I can sympathize with the guy. Sometimes you forget to do the little things and just jump into the sales pitch. Perhaps this is all it takes to earn someone's trust enough to get on their good council. I watched a scene familiar to me and every fledging young man trying to hard to pick up at the club, only this time in reverse. The dude was talking to me, trying to feel out my ideas on bisexuality. I let him know that it wasn't really my deal. He backed up and started asking me meaningless personal questions about where I worked and what I like to do. I answered generically, then he came back around and again took up the topic of switching teams. I began to wonder if I was too drunk to avoid being taken advantage of, as the fellow in question was at least a foot taller than me. I grow uncomfortable and my body language broadcasts it. Then my friend D Day comes to my rescue and begins engaging me in unrelated conversation so that I can turn away in a socially acceptable way. The guy finally leaves.
"Was that dude trying to fuck you?" D Day asks, meaning to break my balls.
"Yeah, actually...everyone likes some attention now and then though."
I'm lucky he was a gentleman.
Earlier in the night, D Day had told me he read my blog, which meant alot to me. "I gotta tell ya, if I had a council of Good and Evil I think 'Sean...Council of Evil'" "Yeah, I see where you're coming from." "But maybe what you ougtta do is just try to get on someone really evil's Good Council. Like you can be the guy who says, 'We've already beaten and robbed this homeless dude, we don't have to skull fuck him'" ...Now there's an interesting idea.
"Thomas, I don't know how I am gonna do this."
"What the whole being not evil thing?"
"Yeah." I am paraphrasing, as I don't write conversations down and also most direct quotes are misleading. My friend BJ recently quoted me in his blog about not being naked for a year. I challenged him on it and he claimed he quoted me directly from the notes he'd been taking. He asked me how I got others to do what I want, and according to his blog, I responded, "You have to get them to think they owe you something." The only problem is that this is ludicrously far off from what I believe to be an effective persuasion and negotiation technique. As anyone who as even a tangential relationship with me knows, I do get my way alot. But it's not about guilt or trickery, it's about compromise and honesty. I am honest enough to state what I want, and then tactful enough to figure out what others want. Then, I will make a case for my desire, and prod to get a case out of the others if it should happen to differ from my own. At that point, I try to reach accord. It's about diplomacy. You see, BJ probably did quote me correctly, but only after he had asked me the same question several times and finally got an answer that jived with his beliefs about me, evil, and persuasion.
This is a pretty good summary of why I am doing this project.
"Why are you worried?" Thomas asks.
"Because I feel like I'm already behind everyone else enough. My ex girlfriend is getting married, I'm nowhere near where I want to be in film, and I'm turning twenty-four. When a man turns twenty-four, he's supposed to be on a path to getting his. Getting where he wants to be...I'm not even close."
Thomas nods in contemplation.
"Yeah man, but really think about it. Sure, (expletive) is getting married, but it's what, her third engagement? It had to stick sometime, and I mean yeah she's getting married, that's the shitty part, but guess what? It's not to you."
We laugh. He's right, my concern was retarded.
"And sure, you're not in film, but you're pursuing it. You're getting closer to a goal. You're paying off debt and you've got a job which is more than a lot of people can say."
We have another shot, and talk some more. Thomas passes out against a wall and I go to bed.
I suggested earlier that I wanted to get on a Good council because people view me as too self interested, but I misquoted myself. I really want to be on someone's Council of Good because I want to do for my friends what Thomas just did for me.
Make me feel better.
"Let's do another shot."
"Dude," Thomas vainly protests, "Naw, man, naw."
"I just hurled and I'm hungry for some booze."
He's starting to think I have a problem. I am starting to think that the Roman's had it right, because those cheese fries were delicious and now I can drink more. I pour two shots for us, and we sit on the kitchen floor. I glance at my watch, it's 3:29 in the am...fuck I guess it's on.
"To super heroism." I meant the words to come out big and robust and triumphant, but they fall from my lips with a sort of melancholy that reveals my fear. I've been doing the wrong thing for so long, and feeling pretty good with it. Now I am going to have to abandon my way of being for what I suppose is a more worthy cause.
Thomas and I clink and tip. The liquor tastes good as it slowly sears it's way down my throat. Thomas is on my council of Good, and his advice, tolerance, and patience with my antics have provided me a model for living. I try to take on what I think are the best qualities of those around me, good or evil, but I'd be lucky to get an ounce of Thomas. Of course, I don't mean that in a homosexual way, however, if I did it'd still be true.
"A gay guy totally tried to pick me up when we were at Blondies," I confess.
"For real?"
"Yeah."
"How'd it go?"
"He seemed nice, but a little too pushy."
It's a true story and I can sympathize with the guy. Sometimes you forget to do the little things and just jump into the sales pitch. Perhaps this is all it takes to earn someone's trust enough to get on their good council. I watched a scene familiar to me and every fledging young man trying to hard to pick up at the club, only this time in reverse. The dude was talking to me, trying to feel out my ideas on bisexuality. I let him know that it wasn't really my deal. He backed up and started asking me meaningless personal questions about where I worked and what I like to do. I answered generically, then he came back around and again took up the topic of switching teams. I began to wonder if I was too drunk to avoid being taken advantage of, as the fellow in question was at least a foot taller than me. I grow uncomfortable and my body language broadcasts it. Then my friend D Day comes to my rescue and begins engaging me in unrelated conversation so that I can turn away in a socially acceptable way. The guy finally leaves.
"Was that dude trying to fuck you?" D Day asks, meaning to break my balls.
"Yeah, actually...everyone likes some attention now and then though."
I'm lucky he was a gentleman.
Earlier in the night, D Day had told me he read my blog, which meant alot to me. "I gotta tell ya, if I had a council of Good and Evil I think 'Sean...Council of Evil'" "Yeah, I see where you're coming from." "But maybe what you ougtta do is just try to get on someone really evil's Good Council. Like you can be the guy who says, 'We've already beaten and robbed this homeless dude, we don't have to skull fuck him'" ...Now there's an interesting idea.
"Thomas, I don't know how I am gonna do this."
"What the whole being not evil thing?"
"Yeah." I am paraphrasing, as I don't write conversations down and also most direct quotes are misleading. My friend BJ recently quoted me in his blog about not being naked for a year. I challenged him on it and he claimed he quoted me directly from the notes he'd been taking. He asked me how I got others to do what I want, and according to his blog, I responded, "You have to get them to think they owe you something." The only problem is that this is ludicrously far off from what I believe to be an effective persuasion and negotiation technique. As anyone who as even a tangential relationship with me knows, I do get my way alot. But it's not about guilt or trickery, it's about compromise and honesty. I am honest enough to state what I want, and then tactful enough to figure out what others want. Then, I will make a case for my desire, and prod to get a case out of the others if it should happen to differ from my own. At that point, I try to reach accord. It's about diplomacy. You see, BJ probably did quote me correctly, but only after he had asked me the same question several times and finally got an answer that jived with his beliefs about me, evil, and persuasion.
This is a pretty good summary of why I am doing this project.
"Why are you worried?" Thomas asks.
"Because I feel like I'm already behind everyone else enough. My ex girlfriend is getting married, I'm nowhere near where I want to be in film, and I'm turning twenty-four. When a man turns twenty-four, he's supposed to be on a path to getting his. Getting where he wants to be...I'm not even close."
Thomas nods in contemplation.
"Yeah man, but really think about it. Sure, (expletive) is getting married, but it's what, her third engagement? It had to stick sometime, and I mean yeah she's getting married, that's the shitty part, but guess what? It's not to you."
We laugh. He's right, my concern was retarded.
"And sure, you're not in film, but you're pursuing it. You're getting closer to a goal. You're paying off debt and you've got a job which is more than a lot of people can say."
We have another shot, and talk some more. Thomas passes out against a wall and I go to bed.
I suggested earlier that I wanted to get on a Good council because people view me as too self interested, but I misquoted myself. I really want to be on someone's Council of Good because I want to do for my friends what Thomas just did for me.
Make me feel better.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Good advice. warning: this bolg contains rough truths and tender lies
My other Chairman needs some face time.
The celebration of the toast subsides and we all look about. As has been mentioned previously, my birthday was attended most fastidiously by my council of Evil. I could not in good conscious leave out a bit of comedy and transcendence for them to groove on.
Flash forward...just a bit
Alex and I smoke a cigarette outside and catch up.
"So should I just tell 'em what happened or get money." Alex was in the middle of inquiring his idea for what amounts to an insurance scam.
"I think you should get money," Nick says, as if Fifty had just showed up at my party.
Nick appears on my porch holding a sweet underground CD he burned (underground = underground hip/hop...squares). I thank him for it and give him a hug. Nick is my chairman for the Council of Evil. Nick has never missed a single birthday of mine since we were eighteen. ...That's six years, sweet Christ. Have I mentioned the reliability of evil?
I'm gonna be clear on a few things, right quick. First off, I've done Nick wrong. He'll never read this and I'll never say more, but it needs to be said all the same, and I'll regret it as long as his heart beats and my blood pumps. That's first off. Secondly, Nick takes every available opportunity to use me that comes his way. Let me elaborate.
On one particular Birthday, Nick decided he was gonna hook it up (exclamation point). So me and another close friend, who resides firmly and steadfastly on the Council of Good, went to Winter Park to be treated right. Nick instructed us not to bring any cash whatsoever, as he had recently gotten a healthy credit dose. Long story short, I peered through the windows of a cab about to take off (filled with chicks and also occupied by Nick) and saw my friend sleeping upon the bar and thus bailed out of the cab. .
Nick did not.
We were stranded 36.8 miles from our hotel room.
I retrieved my inebriated friend and we made it work.
Nick stranded us, the worst sin a bar-friend can commit. It does not matter what's been said, it does not matter what's been done and it does not matter the sacrifice involved...no man should be left behind. I wish some perpetually clothed people understood this simple fact, but then I suppose some wishes will never come to fruition.
Back to my birthday party. My group enters the bar, and Nick hails me (and me alone) over. He hastily enters his g/f's PIN # into the ATM and it distributes a twenty.
....only a twenty, I know this fool must be in love.
He asks what I want and I respond, "Jay-mo" thinking of better days. The weakness of Evil can be as touching as it is inconvenient.
Nick once said, "You should just pray that you find your bed tonight, before the things that you do today destroy you as a person"
At times, I wish I had taken his advice.
The celebration of the toast subsides and we all look about. As has been mentioned previously, my birthday was attended most fastidiously by my council of Evil. I could not in good conscious leave out a bit of comedy and transcendence for them to groove on.
Flash forward...just a bit
Alex and I smoke a cigarette outside and catch up.
"So should I just tell 'em what happened or get money." Alex was in the middle of inquiring his idea for what amounts to an insurance scam.
"I think you should get money," Nick says, as if Fifty had just showed up at my party.
Nick appears on my porch holding a sweet underground CD he burned (underground = underground hip/hop...squares). I thank him for it and give him a hug. Nick is my chairman for the Council of Evil. Nick has never missed a single birthday of mine since we were eighteen. ...That's six years, sweet Christ. Have I mentioned the reliability of evil?
I'm gonna be clear on a few things, right quick. First off, I've done Nick wrong. He'll never read this and I'll never say more, but it needs to be said all the same, and I'll regret it as long as his heart beats and my blood pumps. That's first off. Secondly, Nick takes every available opportunity to use me that comes his way. Let me elaborate.
On one particular Birthday, Nick decided he was gonna hook it up (exclamation point). So me and another close friend, who resides firmly and steadfastly on the Council of Good, went to Winter Park to be treated right. Nick instructed us not to bring any cash whatsoever, as he had recently gotten a healthy credit dose. Long story short, I peered through the windows of a cab about to take off (filled with chicks and also occupied by Nick) and saw my friend sleeping upon the bar and thus bailed out of the cab. .
Nick did not.
We were stranded 36.8 miles from our hotel room.
I retrieved my inebriated friend and we made it work.
Nick stranded us, the worst sin a bar-friend can commit. It does not matter what's been said, it does not matter what's been done and it does not matter the sacrifice involved...no man should be left behind. I wish some perpetually clothed people understood this simple fact, but then I suppose some wishes will never come to fruition.
Back to my birthday party. My group enters the bar, and Nick hails me (and me alone) over. He hastily enters his g/f's PIN # into the ATM and it distributes a twenty.
....only a twenty, I know this fool must be in love.
He asks what I want and I respond, "Jay-mo" thinking of better days. The weakness of Evil can be as touching as it is inconvenient.
Nick once said, "You should just pray that you find your bed tonight, before the things that you do today destroy you as a person"
At times, I wish I had taken his advice.
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