Sean Badgley's pledge to you: Whatever I write & whenever I write; it is with the explicit purpose of entertaining you, the reader, with an emotionally evocative and high quality product.~S
I finally have figured out how to defeat the virus lurking within my computer, so at long last I can again broadcast my meaningless and unsolicited opinions over the figurative airwaves of the internet. I, of course, am merely kidding about my opinions being meaningless...I am pretty sure there isn't anything out there more compelling or entertaining...at least nothing I've yet read. There is so much meaningless bullshit out there, so many blogs and so much information without purpose or direction. One minute your out to accomplish some arbitrary goal the next your confessing about how you couldn't make it happen...come on now, I could be reading a book, if you're gonna fuck up at least make me laugh or feel something.
Am I still not being evil? Of course. I committed. One of my favorite songs is Gone Til November, by my favorite artist, Wyclef Jean. The song is a love letter to his soul mate about him going away for a long time, and that is exactly how I feel. I am no longer hung up on the title or the image of righteousness that at first I found so alluring. You see, those I labeled as 'good' and those I labeled as 'evil' are not as easily catagorized as it would at first seem. My bestest of friends, Jenny, is a definitive member of the council of evil. If Nick ever perishes, and for his short stint behind bars, she in fact took on the interim chairmanship and profitability increased eight percent! (which came as a surprise, b/c I was unaware that I was selling anything)
Why is J on the Council of E? Because she is pragmatic, unapologetic, and incredibly decisive. I could write a book about Jennifer, however, to keep it short, Jenny has decided to do her, she does her at every moment, and she looks good doing it. She's like Nicholas Cage's character in face/off (before the face comes off) she's a super villain of the highest order who takes lots of plunder, makes few mistakes and offers no apologies. Plus, I once saw Jenny drop a fool that'd been foolish enough to turn state's evidence. Also, she once advised a disturbed roommate that suicide might just be right for some people. She routinely helps me plot and perfect plans ranging from robbery to lust, has defrauded the Governments of both the United States and Russia (long after the Cold War ended) and occasionally beds virgins to keep it real (but then again who doesn't). That being said (with the utmost respect) I trust her more than your mama. Why?
Because Jenny is out to get paid and your mama is the one paying me.
You dig? I'll assume not. The above is not simply a smart ass comment about your mom's lust for my rare combination of experienced touch and willing smile. Your mom pays me, so I can never trust her, but Jenny's out to get paid and still offers me advice, returns all my calls, and has been there for every major jam I've ever been in.
So what's all this rambling got to do with the Council of Good or Evil? Well, you see, many 'good' people aren't simply good, they are like you, me and the rest of the sinners. They are out to get theres in there own way, only they get their jollies from martyrdom and other forms of self sacrifice. Sooooo, if these people are just out for their own jollies, doesn't that make them nearly as corrupt as those out to make that paper? Absolutely. However they do good and so many others choose to do wrong, so we turn a blind eye to their compulsion. However, I think I'd rather get a nickel from a man out to make a dollar than get a dollar from a man out to give away a fortune.
Point, counter-point. I had a close friend. He made it on to my good council without a proper screening process. He seemed a decent dude, but then something strange happened. Every time said person was in a leadership position, I was left in a bad situation. I cannot go into the details of this, because I believe in praising public and punishing private, but I was astounded by the trend and it still bothers me to some degree.
Why are many of the good people so unreliable?
I still don't know, but I do know one important fact. I read it in Machiavelli's masterpiece The Prince. "Most men judge by the eye, not by the hand". It means that the only way you can know what someone's made of is to take the time and risk to reach out and touch them. It also means most people won't make the effort and it also means that if you're the one doing the touching then you might get hurt. For my part, I've touched plenty of evil and found something redeeming every time. Parenthetically, every time I lay hands on some good, I am typically disappointed.
So am I giving up?
Fuck no. I gave my name and my word to this fucking rebellion and just because I don't like the way it's being run or that some of the members of the alliance are bullshit doesn't mean it's time to quit. Most of the raiding party that attacked the Death Star didn't come back alive, but that doesn't matter...we've got an empire to defeat.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Do you think this is a game?
Sean Badgley's pledge to you: Whatever I write & whenever I write; it is with the explicit purpose of entertaining you, the reader, with an emotionally evocative and high quality product.
~S
I have begun to realize a simple yet profound truth about morality: A man's gotta pick his own path. You know, when it comes down to it, there is no right or wrong way to join a rebellion. To those just tuning in (welcome) I consider morality akin to the rebel alliance in star wars. This life is just a constant test of which side you belong on, and for many of us the answer is different each time. That being said, I think that there are those who choose to consistently rebel over their self interest when it does not jive with their beliefs on ethics and morality. These people are in a minority, but then so are saints amongst the damned (that sentence brought to you by my Catholic upbringing). Anyway, I figure there's no right or wrong way to join up with a rebel force. Each just brings to the table what they got and they all go at it with evil. I am never gonna be the guy who allows someone walk on me, it's not me, and I think that submissiveness and morality are not related, they simply tend to overlap in many places. The Chairman of the Council of Good disagrees, and I respect him for it.
I could be wrong.
Anyway, here's my latest strategy, instead of asking how not to do wrong, I spend my day trying to figure out how to do right. I'm damn sure not perfect nor close, but I never had a problem getting off my ass and do some work when the time comes. So I try to help friends whenever I can with whatever skill I possess that they may need. I am somewhat less risk averse than most, so now I stand up for what I think is right, even when I put myself in a theoretically dangerous position. I furthermore do this when I stand to gain nearly nothing for it. Am I being conned or helping someone? My gut feels good about it.
This morality is proving a hard test in many vital areas of my life, but I feel a heat within me again that I have grown to miss. I attribute that feeling in part to be a result of this project. Suddenly my sense of purpose and determination are again with me in my heart. Some may compare this to a religious awakening but I see it as a lifestyle change.
Basically, my evil is turning gay.
Just kidding. But in seriousness, I was recently named the Godfather my close friend's only child and first born son. I ask myself, as this child's godfather (incidentally, we don't have an obsession with pop culture, we're both Irish Catholic to one extent or another. A Godfather means something important to a child coming up in the world) A Godfather is a man you trust enough to bestow a title of trust upon one person dependable enough for the task. I am proud to be young Liam's Godfather. I tell you this, when he's 14 I'll be thirty eight and when he sees me then as when he sees me now, I will be a figure of understanding, support, and an unquestioned alliance during hard times for the duration of my life.
This is no game.
One of my relations lacks a father figure. Though he is surrounded by seven very well intentioned females, he has no way of understanding the world of men. I have not lead the most righteous path, but I am trying now and I have some idea about what it is to be a man. He is at an age where the presence of a strong male role model could drastically affect the course of his life and his short term difficulties. I can do that for him.
This is no game.
So understand, that while I may not be the favorite action figure in the chest. Do I claim to be Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker or even Hon Solo? No...those guys were bad ass. But I am at least Lando. Sure there are things in my past that I regret, but I'm doing my best now to help out the rebellion and hey I've got cloud city, which is a base you rebels desperately need for this war. Anyway, more tales from behind enemy lines later, haters.
~S
I have begun to realize a simple yet profound truth about morality: A man's gotta pick his own path. You know, when it comes down to it, there is no right or wrong way to join a rebellion. To those just tuning in (welcome) I consider morality akin to the rebel alliance in star wars. This life is just a constant test of which side you belong on, and for many of us the answer is different each time. That being said, I think that there are those who choose to consistently rebel over their self interest when it does not jive with their beliefs on ethics and morality. These people are in a minority, but then so are saints amongst the damned (that sentence brought to you by my Catholic upbringing). Anyway, I figure there's no right or wrong way to join up with a rebel force. Each just brings to the table what they got and they all go at it with evil. I am never gonna be the guy who allows someone walk on me, it's not me, and I think that submissiveness and morality are not related, they simply tend to overlap in many places. The Chairman of the Council of Good disagrees, and I respect him for it.
I could be wrong.
Anyway, here's my latest strategy, instead of asking how not to do wrong, I spend my day trying to figure out how to do right. I'm damn sure not perfect nor close, but I never had a problem getting off my ass and do some work when the time comes. So I try to help friends whenever I can with whatever skill I possess that they may need. I am somewhat less risk averse than most, so now I stand up for what I think is right, even when I put myself in a theoretically dangerous position. I furthermore do this when I stand to gain nearly nothing for it. Am I being conned or helping someone? My gut feels good about it.
This morality is proving a hard test in many vital areas of my life, but I feel a heat within me again that I have grown to miss. I attribute that feeling in part to be a result of this project. Suddenly my sense of purpose and determination are again with me in my heart. Some may compare this to a religious awakening but I see it as a lifestyle change.
Basically, my evil is turning gay.
Just kidding. But in seriousness, I was recently named the Godfather my close friend's only child and first born son. I ask myself, as this child's godfather (incidentally, we don't have an obsession with pop culture, we're both Irish Catholic to one extent or another. A Godfather means something important to a child coming up in the world) A Godfather is a man you trust enough to bestow a title of trust upon one person dependable enough for the task. I am proud to be young Liam's Godfather. I tell you this, when he's 14 I'll be thirty eight and when he sees me then as when he sees me now, I will be a figure of understanding, support, and an unquestioned alliance during hard times for the duration of my life.
This is no game.
One of my relations lacks a father figure. Though he is surrounded by seven very well intentioned females, he has no way of understanding the world of men. I have not lead the most righteous path, but I am trying now and I have some idea about what it is to be a man. He is at an age where the presence of a strong male role model could drastically affect the course of his life and his short term difficulties. I can do that for him.
This is no game.
So understand, that while I may not be the favorite action figure in the chest. Do I claim to be Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker or even Hon Solo? No...those guys were bad ass. But I am at least Lando. Sure there are things in my past that I regret, but I'm doing my best now to help out the rebellion and hey I've got cloud city, which is a base you rebels desperately need for this war. Anyway, more tales from behind enemy lines later, haters.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
What must it be like? (Fuck you Luke Skywalker)
Sean Badgley's pledge to you: Whatever I write, whenever I write, it is with the explicit purpose of entertaining you, the reader.
Thanks
~S
Day three isn't going half as well as day two and rest assured day one sucked a nut. I feel totally lost on this whole 'no evil' thing. It's not that I love doing bad things to people, it's just that when I find myself in a certain situation where someone is trying to act in their own self interest, I react based on countering their own intentions with furthering my own, thus to avoid being completely taken advantage of.
My not nude friend said that if he failed, he'd admit it immediately on his blog, thus I guess I am obligated. Fortuneately, his journey is definite while mine is realitive. If his tesitcales are seen, then it's basically game over, but for me, I can likely confess my failings publicly and perhaps still succeed getting on someone's coucil of Good.
3 situations that today alone challenge my machiviellian instincts and make me question what I am doing.
Today on my drive to work, someone tried to dart in front of me from a side street. Only thing was that today it was extremely icey. This fool did not have the right of way and was probably used to being a total asshole on the road. The type I usually cut off, flip off and then scream 'fuck off!' The kind of asshole that I love reminding what's up. The sort of gentleman that I love stepping on because he loves stepping on others. This guy meant to cut right in front of me (in a school zone) Unfortunately, he hit the gas hard, and his late 1980's buick's tires just spun and spun on the ice. He continued, incidentally, to hit the gas even as I was right in front of him. I saw his wheels spinning and went in front of him, then when I was right in front of him (his tires still hopelessly spinning, keep in mind) I slowed my car down, made eye contact with him, and started laughing at his foolishness.
I saw his rage and shame instantly.
I felt light hearted...then thought, wait: that had to be not Good. What must it be like to feel bad about something like that?
Later, a friend's girlfirend wanted a favor. Here's the thing. She uses EVERYONE. Also, I slept with her. Also, she is constantly disrespectful despite my best efforts to bridge the gap and reach a non awkward accord. Here's another thing, I owe her nothing. And here's yet another thing, I recently needed a favor from her, and she not only refused but did so in the rudest fashion possible.
Here's another thing
She told me she loved me once. I am a passionate person, and Love is absolutely and unquestionably sacred to me. I confess openly that she invaded my head and heart and ransacked all she could find before leaving when it was most convieninant for her. Do I hate her? No.
But am I trying to do shit for the ho?
So here's the rub. She needs a favor I could easily do. But on the other hand, everything I just wrote. What should I have done?
I reacted like I thought most my Good Council would and simply didn't respond to her request. Effective as it was cowardly. Is this the moral and rightous dignity I was looking for? I made the choice not to help instantly.
What must it be like to really consider doing such a person the favor?
Later, I try to talk an old woman into a loan she probably doesn't need. It's my job and I hate it.
Morality=Consistancy? I'm starting to doubt it.
My clothed friend is too behind on his blogging to be happy. I haven't spoken to him in a while cuz I'm pissed at him, maybe when he finally reads my work he'll find out. Clearly confrontation isn't akin to morality, and if I can't tell some people off to satisfy my pride then I damn sure not gonna let him know he's fucking up. What must it be like to hit such a dead end? I wish I were struggling for material, but instead I'm only struggling.
Fuck you Luke Skywalker
Thanks
~S
Day three isn't going half as well as day two and rest assured day one sucked a nut. I feel totally lost on this whole 'no evil' thing. It's not that I love doing bad things to people, it's just that when I find myself in a certain situation where someone is trying to act in their own self interest, I react based on countering their own intentions with furthering my own, thus to avoid being completely taken advantage of.
My not nude friend said that if he failed, he'd admit it immediately on his blog, thus I guess I am obligated. Fortuneately, his journey is definite while mine is realitive. If his tesitcales are seen, then it's basically game over, but for me, I can likely confess my failings publicly and perhaps still succeed getting on someone's coucil of Good.
3 situations that today alone challenge my machiviellian instincts and make me question what I am doing.
Today on my drive to work, someone tried to dart in front of me from a side street. Only thing was that today it was extremely icey. This fool did not have the right of way and was probably used to being a total asshole on the road. The type I usually cut off, flip off and then scream 'fuck off!' The kind of asshole that I love reminding what's up. The sort of gentleman that I love stepping on because he loves stepping on others. This guy meant to cut right in front of me (in a school zone) Unfortunately, he hit the gas hard, and his late 1980's buick's tires just spun and spun on the ice. He continued, incidentally, to hit the gas even as I was right in front of him. I saw his wheels spinning and went in front of him, then when I was right in front of him (his tires still hopelessly spinning, keep in mind) I slowed my car down, made eye contact with him, and started laughing at his foolishness.
I saw his rage and shame instantly.
I felt light hearted...then thought, wait: that had to be not Good. What must it be like to feel bad about something like that?
Later, a friend's girlfirend wanted a favor. Here's the thing. She uses EVERYONE. Also, I slept with her. Also, she is constantly disrespectful despite my best efforts to bridge the gap and reach a non awkward accord. Here's another thing, I owe her nothing. And here's yet another thing, I recently needed a favor from her, and she not only refused but did so in the rudest fashion possible.
Here's another thing
She told me she loved me once. I am a passionate person, and Love is absolutely and unquestionably sacred to me. I confess openly that she invaded my head and heart and ransacked all she could find before leaving when it was most convieninant for her. Do I hate her? No.
But am I trying to do shit for the ho?
So here's the rub. She needs a favor I could easily do. But on the other hand, everything I just wrote. What should I have done?
I reacted like I thought most my Good Council would and simply didn't respond to her request. Effective as it was cowardly. Is this the moral and rightous dignity I was looking for? I made the choice not to help instantly.
What must it be like to really consider doing such a person the favor?
Later, I try to talk an old woman into a loan she probably doesn't need. It's my job and I hate it.
Morality=Consistancy? I'm starting to doubt it.
My clothed friend is too behind on his blogging to be happy. I haven't spoken to him in a while cuz I'm pissed at him, maybe when he finally reads my work he'll find out. Clearly confrontation isn't akin to morality, and if I can't tell some people off to satisfy my pride then I damn sure not gonna let him know he's fucking up. What must it be like to hit such a dead end? I wish I were struggling for material, but instead I'm only struggling.
Fuck you Luke Skywalker
Sunday, January 25, 2009
J 25, It's on
I wipe the last bit of vomit off of my lips, and hack the remnants of my cheese fries into Thomas' toilet. A flawless puke, not even a dab of digested Guacamole on the rim...I guess I am getting good at this. Happy Birthday to me, I think as I rinse my mouth out and rejoin Thomas in his kitchen.
"Let's do another shot."
"Dude," Thomas vainly protests, "Naw, man, naw."
"I just hurled and I'm hungry for some booze."
He's starting to think I have a problem. I am starting to think that the Roman's had it right, because those cheese fries were delicious and now I can drink more. I pour two shots for us, and we sit on the kitchen floor. I glance at my watch, it's 3:29 in the am...fuck I guess it's on.
"To super heroism." I meant the words to come out big and robust and triumphant, but they fall from my lips with a sort of melancholy that reveals my fear. I've been doing the wrong thing for so long, and feeling pretty good with it. Now I am going to have to abandon my way of being for what I suppose is a more worthy cause.
Thomas and I clink and tip. The liquor tastes good as it slowly sears it's way down my throat. Thomas is on my council of Good, and his advice, tolerance, and patience with my antics have provided me a model for living. I try to take on what I think are the best qualities of those around me, good or evil, but I'd be lucky to get an ounce of Thomas. Of course, I don't mean that in a homosexual way, however, if I did it'd still be true.
"A gay guy totally tried to pick me up when we were at Blondies," I confess.
"For real?"
"Yeah."
"How'd it go?"
"He seemed nice, but a little too pushy."
It's a true story and I can sympathize with the guy. Sometimes you forget to do the little things and just jump into the sales pitch. Perhaps this is all it takes to earn someone's trust enough to get on their good council. I watched a scene familiar to me and every fledging young man trying to hard to pick up at the club, only this time in reverse. The dude was talking to me, trying to feel out my ideas on bisexuality. I let him know that it wasn't really my deal. He backed up and started asking me meaningless personal questions about where I worked and what I like to do. I answered generically, then he came back around and again took up the topic of switching teams. I began to wonder if I was too drunk to avoid being taken advantage of, as the fellow in question was at least a foot taller than me. I grow uncomfortable and my body language broadcasts it. Then my friend D Day comes to my rescue and begins engaging me in unrelated conversation so that I can turn away in a socially acceptable way. The guy finally leaves.
"Was that dude trying to fuck you?" D Day asks, meaning to break my balls.
"Yeah, actually...everyone likes some attention now and then though."
I'm lucky he was a gentleman.
Earlier in the night, D Day had told me he read my blog, which meant alot to me. "I gotta tell ya, if I had a council of Good and Evil I think 'Sean...Council of Evil'" "Yeah, I see where you're coming from." "But maybe what you ougtta do is just try to get on someone really evil's Good Council. Like you can be the guy who says, 'We've already beaten and robbed this homeless dude, we don't have to skull fuck him'" ...Now there's an interesting idea.
"Thomas, I don't know how I am gonna do this."
"What the whole being not evil thing?"
"Yeah." I am paraphrasing, as I don't write conversations down and also most direct quotes are misleading. My friend BJ recently quoted me in his blog about not being naked for a year. I challenged him on it and he claimed he quoted me directly from the notes he'd been taking. He asked me how I got others to do what I want, and according to his blog, I responded, "You have to get them to think they owe you something." The only problem is that this is ludicrously far off from what I believe to be an effective persuasion and negotiation technique. As anyone who as even a tangential relationship with me knows, I do get my way alot. But it's not about guilt or trickery, it's about compromise and honesty. I am honest enough to state what I want, and then tactful enough to figure out what others want. Then, I will make a case for my desire, and prod to get a case out of the others if it should happen to differ from my own. At that point, I try to reach accord. It's about diplomacy. You see, BJ probably did quote me correctly, but only after he had asked me the same question several times and finally got an answer that jived with his beliefs about me, evil, and persuasion.
This is a pretty good summary of why I am doing this project.
"Why are you worried?" Thomas asks.
"Because I feel like I'm already behind everyone else enough. My ex girlfriend is getting married, I'm nowhere near where I want to be in film, and I'm turning twenty-four. When a man turns twenty-four, he's supposed to be on a path to getting his. Getting where he wants to be...I'm not even close."
Thomas nods in contemplation.
"Yeah man, but really think about it. Sure, (expletive) is getting married, but it's what, her third engagement? It had to stick sometime, and I mean yeah she's getting married, that's the shitty part, but guess what? It's not to you."
We laugh. He's right, my concern was retarded.
"And sure, you're not in film, but you're pursuing it. You're getting closer to a goal. You're paying off debt and you've got a job which is more than a lot of people can say."
We have another shot, and talk some more. Thomas passes out against a wall and I go to bed.
I suggested earlier that I wanted to get on a Good council because people view me as too self interested, but I misquoted myself. I really want to be on someone's Council of Good because I want to do for my friends what Thomas just did for me.
Make me feel better.
"Let's do another shot."
"Dude," Thomas vainly protests, "Naw, man, naw."
"I just hurled and I'm hungry for some booze."
He's starting to think I have a problem. I am starting to think that the Roman's had it right, because those cheese fries were delicious and now I can drink more. I pour two shots for us, and we sit on the kitchen floor. I glance at my watch, it's 3:29 in the am...fuck I guess it's on.
"To super heroism." I meant the words to come out big and robust and triumphant, but they fall from my lips with a sort of melancholy that reveals my fear. I've been doing the wrong thing for so long, and feeling pretty good with it. Now I am going to have to abandon my way of being for what I suppose is a more worthy cause.
Thomas and I clink and tip. The liquor tastes good as it slowly sears it's way down my throat. Thomas is on my council of Good, and his advice, tolerance, and patience with my antics have provided me a model for living. I try to take on what I think are the best qualities of those around me, good or evil, but I'd be lucky to get an ounce of Thomas. Of course, I don't mean that in a homosexual way, however, if I did it'd still be true.
"A gay guy totally tried to pick me up when we were at Blondies," I confess.
"For real?"
"Yeah."
"How'd it go?"
"He seemed nice, but a little too pushy."
It's a true story and I can sympathize with the guy. Sometimes you forget to do the little things and just jump into the sales pitch. Perhaps this is all it takes to earn someone's trust enough to get on their good council. I watched a scene familiar to me and every fledging young man trying to hard to pick up at the club, only this time in reverse. The dude was talking to me, trying to feel out my ideas on bisexuality. I let him know that it wasn't really my deal. He backed up and started asking me meaningless personal questions about where I worked and what I like to do. I answered generically, then he came back around and again took up the topic of switching teams. I began to wonder if I was too drunk to avoid being taken advantage of, as the fellow in question was at least a foot taller than me. I grow uncomfortable and my body language broadcasts it. Then my friend D Day comes to my rescue and begins engaging me in unrelated conversation so that I can turn away in a socially acceptable way. The guy finally leaves.
"Was that dude trying to fuck you?" D Day asks, meaning to break my balls.
"Yeah, actually...everyone likes some attention now and then though."
I'm lucky he was a gentleman.
Earlier in the night, D Day had told me he read my blog, which meant alot to me. "I gotta tell ya, if I had a council of Good and Evil I think 'Sean...Council of Evil'" "Yeah, I see where you're coming from." "But maybe what you ougtta do is just try to get on someone really evil's Good Council. Like you can be the guy who says, 'We've already beaten and robbed this homeless dude, we don't have to skull fuck him'" ...Now there's an interesting idea.
"Thomas, I don't know how I am gonna do this."
"What the whole being not evil thing?"
"Yeah." I am paraphrasing, as I don't write conversations down and also most direct quotes are misleading. My friend BJ recently quoted me in his blog about not being naked for a year. I challenged him on it and he claimed he quoted me directly from the notes he'd been taking. He asked me how I got others to do what I want, and according to his blog, I responded, "You have to get them to think they owe you something." The only problem is that this is ludicrously far off from what I believe to be an effective persuasion and negotiation technique. As anyone who as even a tangential relationship with me knows, I do get my way alot. But it's not about guilt or trickery, it's about compromise and honesty. I am honest enough to state what I want, and then tactful enough to figure out what others want. Then, I will make a case for my desire, and prod to get a case out of the others if it should happen to differ from my own. At that point, I try to reach accord. It's about diplomacy. You see, BJ probably did quote me correctly, but only after he had asked me the same question several times and finally got an answer that jived with his beliefs about me, evil, and persuasion.
This is a pretty good summary of why I am doing this project.
"Why are you worried?" Thomas asks.
"Because I feel like I'm already behind everyone else enough. My ex girlfriend is getting married, I'm nowhere near where I want to be in film, and I'm turning twenty-four. When a man turns twenty-four, he's supposed to be on a path to getting his. Getting where he wants to be...I'm not even close."
Thomas nods in contemplation.
"Yeah man, but really think about it. Sure, (expletive) is getting married, but it's what, her third engagement? It had to stick sometime, and I mean yeah she's getting married, that's the shitty part, but guess what? It's not to you."
We laugh. He's right, my concern was retarded.
"And sure, you're not in film, but you're pursuing it. You're getting closer to a goal. You're paying off debt and you've got a job which is more than a lot of people can say."
We have another shot, and talk some more. Thomas passes out against a wall and I go to bed.
I suggested earlier that I wanted to get on a Good council because people view me as too self interested, but I misquoted myself. I really want to be on someone's Council of Good because I want to do for my friends what Thomas just did for me.
Make me feel better.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Good advice. warning: this bolg contains rough truths and tender lies
My other Chairman needs some face time.
The celebration of the toast subsides and we all look about. As has been mentioned previously, my birthday was attended most fastidiously by my council of Evil. I could not in good conscious leave out a bit of comedy and transcendence for them to groove on.
Flash forward...just a bit
Alex and I smoke a cigarette outside and catch up.
"So should I just tell 'em what happened or get money." Alex was in the middle of inquiring his idea for what amounts to an insurance scam.
"I think you should get money," Nick says, as if Fifty had just showed up at my party.
Nick appears on my porch holding a sweet underground CD he burned (underground = underground hip/hop...squares). I thank him for it and give him a hug. Nick is my chairman for the Council of Evil. Nick has never missed a single birthday of mine since we were eighteen. ...That's six years, sweet Christ. Have I mentioned the reliability of evil?
I'm gonna be clear on a few things, right quick. First off, I've done Nick wrong. He'll never read this and I'll never say more, but it needs to be said all the same, and I'll regret it as long as his heart beats and my blood pumps. That's first off. Secondly, Nick takes every available opportunity to use me that comes his way. Let me elaborate.
On one particular Birthday, Nick decided he was gonna hook it up (exclamation point). So me and another close friend, who resides firmly and steadfastly on the Council of Good, went to Winter Park to be treated right. Nick instructed us not to bring any cash whatsoever, as he had recently gotten a healthy credit dose. Long story short, I peered through the windows of a cab about to take off (filled with chicks and also occupied by Nick) and saw my friend sleeping upon the bar and thus bailed out of the cab. .
Nick did not.
We were stranded 36.8 miles from our hotel room.
I retrieved my inebriated friend and we made it work.
Nick stranded us, the worst sin a bar-friend can commit. It does not matter what's been said, it does not matter what's been done and it does not matter the sacrifice involved...no man should be left behind. I wish some perpetually clothed people understood this simple fact, but then I suppose some wishes will never come to fruition.
Back to my birthday party. My group enters the bar, and Nick hails me (and me alone) over. He hastily enters his g/f's PIN # into the ATM and it distributes a twenty.
....only a twenty, I know this fool must be in love.
He asks what I want and I respond, "Jay-mo" thinking of better days. The weakness of Evil can be as touching as it is inconvenient.
Nick once said, "You should just pray that you find your bed tonight, before the things that you do today destroy you as a person"
At times, I wish I had taken his advice.
The celebration of the toast subsides and we all look about. As has been mentioned previously, my birthday was attended most fastidiously by my council of Evil. I could not in good conscious leave out a bit of comedy and transcendence for them to groove on.
Flash forward...just a bit
Alex and I smoke a cigarette outside and catch up.
"So should I just tell 'em what happened or get money." Alex was in the middle of inquiring his idea for what amounts to an insurance scam.
"I think you should get money," Nick says, as if Fifty had just showed up at my party.
Nick appears on my porch holding a sweet underground CD he burned (underground = underground hip/hop...squares). I thank him for it and give him a hug. Nick is my chairman for the Council of Evil. Nick has never missed a single birthday of mine since we were eighteen. ...That's six years, sweet Christ. Have I mentioned the reliability of evil?
I'm gonna be clear on a few things, right quick. First off, I've done Nick wrong. He'll never read this and I'll never say more, but it needs to be said all the same, and I'll regret it as long as his heart beats and my blood pumps. That's first off. Secondly, Nick takes every available opportunity to use me that comes his way. Let me elaborate.
On one particular Birthday, Nick decided he was gonna hook it up (exclamation point). So me and another close friend, who resides firmly and steadfastly on the Council of Good, went to Winter Park to be treated right. Nick instructed us not to bring any cash whatsoever, as he had recently gotten a healthy credit dose. Long story short, I peered through the windows of a cab about to take off (filled with chicks and also occupied by Nick) and saw my friend sleeping upon the bar and thus bailed out of the cab. .
Nick did not.
We were stranded 36.8 miles from our hotel room.
I retrieved my inebriated friend and we made it work.
Nick stranded us, the worst sin a bar-friend can commit. It does not matter what's been said, it does not matter what's been done and it does not matter the sacrifice involved...no man should be left behind. I wish some perpetually clothed people understood this simple fact, but then I suppose some wishes will never come to fruition.
Back to my birthday party. My group enters the bar, and Nick hails me (and me alone) over. He hastily enters his g/f's PIN # into the ATM and it distributes a twenty.
....only a twenty, I know this fool must be in love.
He asks what I want and I respond, "Jay-mo" thinking of better days. The weakness of Evil can be as touching as it is inconvenient.
Nick once said, "You should just pray that you find your bed tonight, before the things that you do today destroy you as a person"
At times, I wish I had taken his advice.
Who Butters My Toast... warning: this bolg contains rough truths and tender lies
"To one last weekend of super-villainy," I say as a living room full of friends clink my glass with revelry.
You see, my birthday is fast approaching, as I write, in fact, it is less than fifteen hours away. Then, out of support for someone's blog (who has yet to read my own blog) I have to dedicate my life to the rebel alliance of morality for one year. Do I suspect that this experiment is retarded? Absolutely. I mean, my council of good barely made an appearance at my birthday and cherished friends, know that I don't say this out of the slightest hateration, I state it as a fact. I don't know if there is something more reliable about nefariousness. If perhaps I've delved off of the cliff of morality into the refreshing sea of self interest with such reckless abandon that the better intentioned friends of mine no longer keep the faith. If perhaps, I've set my own system up with logistical experts who happen to be on my evil council. I ponder if perhaps modern life is simply so geared towards evil, that the most reliable are by necessity evil. I am simply not sure, but I know one thing for a fact and that is that my Good council is nearly completely lacking in reliability.
Nearly...
You see, I remain unfledging in my commitment to my choice to be Good for one year. Why? Is it because I've staked my written word on it? Yeah, that's part of it. Is it because Jesus told me it was right? Naw, fuck that guy, he seems chill but never shows up when you most need him. Is it because I am in support of a guy who's out to correct his own lack of follow through by not allowing sunlight to touch his balls for a year? I say flatly, that it is not a factor.
"Isaac finally won," Wes proclaims.
He is right.
You see, each Council has a chairman. One who so blatantly and unapologetically represents their Council that I have been afforded no choice but to give them the highest seat upon the Board they represent. There are two councils and two chairmen. Both are present at the aforementioned celebration. Isaac is on my Council of Good, and is also it's chairman. Isaac has never not shown up when he has committed to being somewhere. Isaac is a Catholic, like my grandfather, but thinks the service is mostly useless, like me, and goes every nearly every Sunday (when he's not too hung over) like my grandfather.
On one occasion, Isaac and I were downtown. I had gotten blatantly drunk...as I am prone to do. I had been a complete ass, and please let me elaborate on that. I had asked Isaac for a ride downtown, so I could have 'a couple drinks'. He agreed to accompany me. Before he got there, I drank. On the way there, I drank. When we finally were there, I drank. I had Brian James'ed off (which means I had BJ'ed off, which means I had invited a friend downtown and proceeded to disappear) {I thought to say I had BJ'ed off but that would have too obviously homosexual connotations} Anyway, Isaac had lost me and decided to call a lady friend in which he was interested. She turned out to be across the street and came eagerly by his side. Upon her arrival, fate and fortune conspired to give me a gentle nudge in their direction. I found Isaac and her and began to drunkenly, unskillfully, and unabashedly hit on my Main Man's lady-friend.
Did he hit me? No.
He reacted like a saint. Later, he went to get the car. Before I tell this next part, let me reemphasize: I HAD BEEN DRUNKENLY AND AGRESSIVELY HITTING ON THE GIRL ISAAC WANTED. Anywho, she disappeared and Isaac went to retrieve his car that we might leave. I staggered out of the Ritz and my cell rang.
"Dude, I just got shot at!"
"What?!"
"I'm coming to get you!!!"
"I'm ready!"
His blazer swung in mere moments later, I basically jumped through the window and we were off. Can any of you reading this entry figure out the most profound part of the last one hundred words I just wrote?
My cell rang.
You dig? No. Let me elucidate. I had done my Main Man wrong in a big and blatant way, yet when some unprovoked fool pulled a nine and started lighting up the block (God, I'm so hard), he still called me to come scoop me. Do you think this should be expected? Then get an evil council, you're missing out. I don't suppose this is the most generous thing I've ever seen Isaac do, only the thing that most quickly comes to mind.
Thus, I want to make a few things clear, as I am on the verge of joining the Alliance. (Remember, I said verge, so at least I can keep it real on this one) BJ: the reason more people are reading my blog is that it's more entertaining...look into it. (When he calls me out, I'll know he finally got a free moment in between fucking, eating, sleeping and shading his testicals to give my writing a quick viewing) Isaac: Wes was completely correct. Your unwavering support and dedication to the righteous path have at last won me over, I will do my best. Council of Evil: Do not think for a moment that your constant loyalty and support is in anyway unappreciated or will be in anyway unreciprocated. I know what we have done together, and just because I am no longer out to get mine doesn't mean I won't help you get yours. Loyalty transcends morality.
I know who butters my toast.
...We raise our glasses and drink. After we finish a healthy gulp of the creature, silence sets in. Isaac looks at me and says, "So what does that toast mean?"
"What?"
"About Super Villany."
"I am on a quest to try and get on someone's council of Good."
He looks at me deeply. His dark brown eyes scan my own soul for a fraction of a second. He leans back in his chair and takes down a heavy swig of beer.
"Huh," he responds, without judgment or concern.
You see, my birthday is fast approaching, as I write, in fact, it is less than fifteen hours away. Then, out of support for someone's blog (who has yet to read my own blog) I have to dedicate my life to the rebel alliance of morality for one year. Do I suspect that this experiment is retarded? Absolutely. I mean, my council of good barely made an appearance at my birthday and cherished friends, know that I don't say this out of the slightest hateration, I state it as a fact. I don't know if there is something more reliable about nefariousness. If perhaps I've delved off of the cliff of morality into the refreshing sea of self interest with such reckless abandon that the better intentioned friends of mine no longer keep the faith. If perhaps, I've set my own system up with logistical experts who happen to be on my evil council. I ponder if perhaps modern life is simply so geared towards evil, that the most reliable are by necessity evil. I am simply not sure, but I know one thing for a fact and that is that my Good council is nearly completely lacking in reliability.
Nearly...
You see, I remain unfledging in my commitment to my choice to be Good for one year. Why? Is it because I've staked my written word on it? Yeah, that's part of it. Is it because Jesus told me it was right? Naw, fuck that guy, he seems chill but never shows up when you most need him. Is it because I am in support of a guy who's out to correct his own lack of follow through by not allowing sunlight to touch his balls for a year? I say flatly, that it is not a factor.
"Isaac finally won," Wes proclaims.
He is right.
You see, each Council has a chairman. One who so blatantly and unapologetically represents their Council that I have been afforded no choice but to give them the highest seat upon the Board they represent. There are two councils and two chairmen. Both are present at the aforementioned celebration. Isaac is on my Council of Good, and is also it's chairman. Isaac has never not shown up when he has committed to being somewhere. Isaac is a Catholic, like my grandfather, but thinks the service is mostly useless, like me, and goes every nearly every Sunday (when he's not too hung over) like my grandfather.
On one occasion, Isaac and I were downtown. I had gotten blatantly drunk...as I am prone to do. I had been a complete ass, and please let me elaborate on that. I had asked Isaac for a ride downtown, so I could have 'a couple drinks'. He agreed to accompany me. Before he got there, I drank. On the way there, I drank. When we finally were there, I drank. I had Brian James'ed off (which means I had BJ'ed off, which means I had invited a friend downtown and proceeded to disappear) {I thought to say I had BJ'ed off but that would have too obviously homosexual connotations} Anyway, Isaac had lost me and decided to call a lady friend in which he was interested. She turned out to be across the street and came eagerly by his side. Upon her arrival, fate and fortune conspired to give me a gentle nudge in their direction. I found Isaac and her and began to drunkenly, unskillfully, and unabashedly hit on my Main Man's lady-friend.
Did he hit me? No.
He reacted like a saint. Later, he went to get the car. Before I tell this next part, let me reemphasize: I HAD BEEN DRUNKENLY AND AGRESSIVELY HITTING ON THE GIRL ISAAC WANTED. Anywho, she disappeared and Isaac went to retrieve his car that we might leave. I staggered out of the Ritz and my cell rang.
"Dude, I just got shot at!"
"What?!"
"I'm coming to get you!!!"
"I'm ready!"
His blazer swung in mere moments later, I basically jumped through the window and we were off. Can any of you reading this entry figure out the most profound part of the last one hundred words I just wrote?
My cell rang.
You dig? No. Let me elucidate. I had done my Main Man wrong in a big and blatant way, yet when some unprovoked fool pulled a nine and started lighting up the block (God, I'm so hard), he still called me to come scoop me. Do you think this should be expected? Then get an evil council, you're missing out. I don't suppose this is the most generous thing I've ever seen Isaac do, only the thing that most quickly comes to mind.
Thus, I want to make a few things clear, as I am on the verge of joining the Alliance. (Remember, I said verge, so at least I can keep it real on this one) BJ: the reason more people are reading my blog is that it's more entertaining...look into it. (When he calls me out, I'll know he finally got a free moment in between fucking, eating, sleeping and shading his testicals to give my writing a quick viewing) Isaac: Wes was completely correct. Your unwavering support and dedication to the righteous path have at last won me over, I will do my best. Council of Evil: Do not think for a moment that your constant loyalty and support is in anyway unappreciated or will be in anyway unreciprocated. I know what we have done together, and just because I am no longer out to get mine doesn't mean I won't help you get yours. Loyalty transcends morality.
I know who butters my toast.
...We raise our glasses and drink. After we finish a healthy gulp of the creature, silence sets in. Isaac looks at me and says, "So what does that toast mean?"
"What?"
"About Super Villany."
"I am on a quest to try and get on someone's council of Good."
He looks at me deeply. His dark brown eyes scan my own soul for a fraction of a second. He leans back in his chair and takes down a heavy swig of beer.
"Huh," he responds, without judgment or concern.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Rule Number One
So I am roughly a week away from no longer pursuing my blatant self interest for a year, I thought it best to lay out a few of the guidelines on both the council of good and evil. That way we're all on the same page and I can use my own sick vernacular and those who follow will understand with flawless comprehension.
There are many good people in my life...
These people have loaned me money, trusted me with their secrets, and relied upon me for favors. These people are at times flaky; something about having the best intentions seems to make these folks believe they're immune to showing up on time. They know they'd forgive me for being late or bailing out, so surely I will do the same, right? However, they possess a unique and special connection to whatever is closest to the rebel alliance.
Let me say more about that
In Star Wars, the allied force that fights against the tyranny of the Galactic Empire are in fact REBELS. Why do you think this is? I think the answer surrounds us. If evil hasn't yet claimed victory, it must surely think it is inevitable. If one were to build a model in which everyone goes out for the strict and exclusive purpose of getting theirs, they would find a picture very similar to the life that we experience. How do I know? I majored in economics, and the basis for economics is that the individual AT ALL TIMES pursues their own self interest. Does this mean that we naturally go after our own and that makes us evil? Maybe. Greed is one of the seven deadly sins, as is gluttony, pride, avarice, lust and others. I haven't seen 'Seven' in a while. Anyway, all of the seven deadly sins roughly revolve around getting yours and letting others know that you're good at it.
So what does this have to do with Star Wars?
You see, the 'good guys' are all dedicated to morality, therefore, they are Rebels, because to commit yourself to doing what's right automatically and fundamentally defines you in the minority. One who does right is a rebel b/c they are fighting against our established system of economic efficiency.
There are bad people in my life...
These people have left me in difficult situations, backed me up on most of my stupidest ideas, given me the knowledge and advice on how to carry out varying levels of crime and vice, and helped me take revenge on my sworn enemies. I love these people just as well, b/c I don't have to convince them that I'm trying to do right, I just have to explain my goal and my situation and their wisdom and support follow without question.
It's a strange paradox, b/c the good people in my life want the best for me, but rarely are willing to step in to aid in my success. The bad people in my life are uncaring about my better intentions, but are always willing to help me get mine as long as I am willing to help them get theirs.
That's loyalty and it's worth more than gold.
So, that being said, why have two councils? Why not let people be themselves and react and utilize accordingly? Or, if the evil council is so loyal and the good council so flaky, why keep the good ones? Well, you see, those on the council of evil are shisty at times. They are after their own, and at best are disinterested helpers in your cause. The Council of Evil all own protractors and are constantly looking at all the angles, trying to size up how to get what they need. If they can't and their true, they'll sometimes still help, but make no mistake, their help is never free and always conditional. The council of Good offers nothing in return b/c the expect nothing in return. They don't believe in exploiting oppertunites at the expense of their loved ones, therefore, their advice is highly valuable b/c it is geared towards honesty and compassion.
A long and important blog entry to understand rule #1
The Council of Good is about 'why' questions
The Council of Evil is about 'how' questions.
Unsure of what to do and need help deciding something important? Ask the rightous people in your life.
Already decided to do what's wrong, and need help figuring out what will get you what you want? Ask the morally flexible friends in your phonebook.
Just never confuse the two.
There are many good people in my life...
These people have loaned me money, trusted me with their secrets, and relied upon me for favors. These people are at times flaky; something about having the best intentions seems to make these folks believe they're immune to showing up on time. They know they'd forgive me for being late or bailing out, so surely I will do the same, right? However, they possess a unique and special connection to whatever is closest to the rebel alliance.
Let me say more about that
In Star Wars, the allied force that fights against the tyranny of the Galactic Empire are in fact REBELS. Why do you think this is? I think the answer surrounds us. If evil hasn't yet claimed victory, it must surely think it is inevitable. If one were to build a model in which everyone goes out for the strict and exclusive purpose of getting theirs, they would find a picture very similar to the life that we experience. How do I know? I majored in economics, and the basis for economics is that the individual AT ALL TIMES pursues their own self interest. Does this mean that we naturally go after our own and that makes us evil? Maybe. Greed is one of the seven deadly sins, as is gluttony, pride, avarice, lust and others. I haven't seen 'Seven' in a while. Anyway, all of the seven deadly sins roughly revolve around getting yours and letting others know that you're good at it.
So what does this have to do with Star Wars?
You see, the 'good guys' are all dedicated to morality, therefore, they are Rebels, because to commit yourself to doing what's right automatically and fundamentally defines you in the minority. One who does right is a rebel b/c they are fighting against our established system of economic efficiency.
There are bad people in my life...
These people have left me in difficult situations, backed me up on most of my stupidest ideas, given me the knowledge and advice on how to carry out varying levels of crime and vice, and helped me take revenge on my sworn enemies. I love these people just as well, b/c I don't have to convince them that I'm trying to do right, I just have to explain my goal and my situation and their wisdom and support follow without question.
It's a strange paradox, b/c the good people in my life want the best for me, but rarely are willing to step in to aid in my success. The bad people in my life are uncaring about my better intentions, but are always willing to help me get mine as long as I am willing to help them get theirs.
That's loyalty and it's worth more than gold.
So, that being said, why have two councils? Why not let people be themselves and react and utilize accordingly? Or, if the evil council is so loyal and the good council so flaky, why keep the good ones? Well, you see, those on the council of evil are shisty at times. They are after their own, and at best are disinterested helpers in your cause. The Council of Evil all own protractors and are constantly looking at all the angles, trying to size up how to get what they need. If they can't and their true, they'll sometimes still help, but make no mistake, their help is never free and always conditional. The council of Good offers nothing in return b/c the expect nothing in return. They don't believe in exploiting oppertunites at the expense of their loved ones, therefore, their advice is highly valuable b/c it is geared towards honesty and compassion.
A long and important blog entry to understand rule #1
The Council of Good is about 'why' questions
The Council of Evil is about 'how' questions.
Unsure of what to do and need help deciding something important? Ask the rightous people in your life.
Already decided to do what's wrong, and need help figuring out what will get you what you want? Ask the morally flexible friends in your phonebook.
Just never confuse the two.
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